CLOSURE

It is such an overused word. The first time I ever really remember hearing the word used in the context most people use it for today is when Rachel said it to Ross on a voice mail message on the TV sitcom “Friends.” Remember, Rachel was drunk on a date or something and leaves Ross a message saying she is “over him” and he listens to it and says something like, “She is over me? When was she under me?” Hilarious! Anyway, even with saying closure is an overused word, I do understand the need to wrap things up. I have always been that kind of a person. I am not fond of books or movies that don’t give you a solid ending. I like to use my imagination as much as the next person, but if I am going to pay to buy a book, take the time to read it, or pay to watch a movie – I want an actual ending. I don’t want to be left wondering, “did he or didn’t he, or will she or won’t she?” I like a neat little red bow tied onto the ending. That is just me.

I think that is one of the hardest parts of losing someone unexpectedly. You don’t get the “neat little red bow” ending. You are left wondering, contemplating, projecting, guessing etc. It is not fun. It is frustrating and difficult. There are so many things that were unclear and more things I wanted to say. There were questions that were not asked and answers that were not given. There were emotions, feelings , regrets that were never spoken and it leaves me feeling broken and in a certain state of constant anxiety. I know I need to come to terms with the fact that I don’t get the “red bow” but it is going to take time. Time is not my friend right now because you can’t speed it up or slow it down, it just happens. You can’t force your mind or your heart to do what you want, you just have to patiently wait for the healing to happen on its own.

So for now, I get up, get ready for work, get the girls off to school and begin my day. Then when I end my day the wondering and uncertainty rears its ugly head.

So go ahead and overuse the word because if you are anything like me, you understand it and feel so much better when endings can be tied with a little red bow! For those endings that aren’t……..ask me tomorrow, I may have a better answer for you.